MAGPIE TALE: Warning Signs

(Another Magpie Tale. We hope no one relates too much to this one.)

"Do you feel like a bit player in your own life story? Are you blind to the signs that tell you that your life is seriously off course?"
"Do you stare into the mirror and make jokes about the old troll or hag looking back at you? Are you blind to the warning signs in front of you?"
"Are you finding it difficult to make it through your 12-step meetings without a few drinks before and after? Do you find yourself falling asleep when your inner voices tell you that there is danger ahead?"
"As you reach out to reconcile with all the friends you have alienated through the years and get a 'number disconnected' message do you feel relieved or does it remind you that you were let go at your last five jobs because you could not distinguish the number 2 from the number 7 on a key pad?""Did your mother return her Mother's Day card with red ink noting the misused punctuation and the correct spelling of her name triple underscored?"
"When you tell your dog 'I love you with my entire heart and soul, you're the only creature on the face of the earth that has not betrayed me,' does it sigh, roll its eyes and seem to be saying 'Whatever.'?"
"If you answered 'yes' to one or more of the following questions, you are showing signs of needing serious help. Please enclose $5,000 and mail to the address below. DO NOT call the 800 customer service number at any time of day. Operators are not standing by and will not return your call."