What Were You People THINK-ING!?!?!?

Dr. Phil is out of control and his friends just want him to STOP.

Okay, I have never been a fan of Dr. Phil McGraw, native of Vinita, Oklahoma (ironically, or appropriately, home of the Sooner State's enormous state mental hospital), but lately he is verging on annoying me as much as Madonna, Michael Moore and George W. Bush, three people whom I consider to be the three stations of the American Apocalypse. McGraw has come to embody the same level of hypocrisy and greed that those three do. So, perhaps it's advanced from a toxic trilogy to a quacking quartet.

Why do I hate those three (and now four) so much? Because they are obsessed by three things -- money, fame and a "legacy" and (on top of it all) are hollow to the core. The fact that each have different politics is of no consequence. All four are made of the same things -- bullshit and cardboard.

A good seven to nine years ago, Dr. Phil was relatively benign, no more than an Oprah also ran who espoused solid but bland advice. He shared trite Powerpoints about setting life goals. That initially served as the template for his show as he fled from the Oprah mother ship to launch his own empire, shrouded in the veneer of "helping people" but clearly driven by greed and fame. There were plenty of frustrated mid-career professionals who needed "get excited about life" and substance abusers looking for appropriate 12-step programs. Solid, traditional and boring. So, soon Dr. Phil learned that the biggest coins are wallowing at the bottom of the cesspool, and you have to choke on a few turds in order to go for the gold. Madonna certainly understands that, and she has emerged from the feces pond to emerge as a self appointed lady of the manor who has cash to burn and buy babies in Africa.

So Dr. Phil has come to air shows with increasingly sleazy themes. "Only you can own your life, Imogene, but I gotta tell you that if you're pregnant with your grandson's baby, you're just askin' for trouble."

Then there was the debacle of Dr. Phil's weight loss challenge. Oh, doctor heal thyself! He even introduced his branded of "Dr. Phil Bars". What were they made of? Bacon grease and elephant lard? Like this man is authorized to give me tips on weight loss? My favorite line during this stage of his career was: "Steve, you gotta get real about bein' fat or get real fat!" Apparently being real is a key to surviving while under the watchful eye of Dr. Phil.

I have to admit I've been pretty oblivious to Dr. Phil until his recent dive to below the deepest depths of the toilet bowl of fucked up Americana during his emergency intervention at the behest of the family of Britney Spears, a process he promised to expose in all its tabloid trashiness for record ratings until even his most loyal fans agreed that this tubby Texan had finally gnarled on one too many dysfunctional trailer trash famiies.

Mercifully, I think Dr. Phil is on the verge of nearing the end of his syndication contracts. While flying from the fattest city in the U.S. (where you can buy 320 count boxes of Dr. Phil bars at Sam's Club), I did transit through Houston (which is really pissed that it has lost the #1 spot in the tubbo metropolis competition). Though I usually cringe when I hear that we are landing in George Bush Airport (Gee, why not name it Placa de Pinochet or Hitler's Hide-Away?), I was sort of pleased to learn that Dr. Phil is making a smooth transition from broadcasting franchising to food franchising. Not with Dr. Phil's bars but the artery clogging food he so loves. Wedged right in between Bubba Gump's and Starbucks in George Bush Airport I discovered the new collaboration between Dr. Phil and the often maligned Cracker Barrell - FAT CRACKERS. He has wisely chosen the lead of other washed up entertainers (Arthur Treacher's Fish 'n' Chips, Kenny Rogers Roasters, Jimmy Dean Sausage) and learned the importance and residuals of unhealthy food branding. There at the entry was a huge portrait of Dr. Phil gnawing on a barbecued rib as he dispensed advice on setting one's life goals. Just as I started to nab a photo, a member of the TSA shook an angry index finger of me and I had to put away the camera.

So I went onto Dr. Phil's website and was intrigued to learn that there was quite a number of names Dr. Phil went through before settling on FAT CRACKERS. Here is a sampling:

• Phil 'Er Up
• Gravy a Go Go
• Fry Me Up, Fry Me Down!
• Beyond the Gravy
• Gotta Fry Before I Get Too Old
• What Would Elvis Eat?
• Gravy Acres
• Lord of the Onion Rings
• Garçon, There’s a Pig in My Gravy!
• Phat Phil's Phry Depot
• The Good, The Bad and the Gravy
• Yes, We Pecan!
• Dr. Phil's Gravy Pops (Too close to Gravy on a Stick for my attorney's comfort)
• Fry Ask Fry?
• Ain't Nuthin' But a Butterhorndawg
• Fry, Mommy, Fry!