Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Clorox Code - Part 1

Over a late lunch on a Tuesday, I noted a distinctive profile and shaggy head of hair beneath a familiar fedora at the table beside me at Pasta Pomodoro in Rockridge. I was fairly sure I knew who she was, but I wasn't certain until I heard her place her order.

"The Pasta Putanesca with a green salad. Ranch dressing on the side. Hidden Valley Ranch, of course."

Yes, it was none other than the Voice of Hidden Ranch, Miss Sally Kellerman. The bland man sitting next to her looked familiar, and it took me a while to place him. Finally it all fit. It was Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown.

I tried not to be too obvious as I eavesdropped. "Dan, I'm not saying that there's any conspiracy," Sally said. "It's just that I've always been curious about where the hidden valley of the salad dressing comes from. After all these year's I get those mysterious checks from an anonymous bank in Switzerland. I'm just...you know curious." Sally pulled back her blonde tresses that, at 72, she had cleverly styled in a modified Cousin Itt-do. It was the style you could use to cover up the features you'd rather not have on display but still have your eyes visible, for example, without showing the lines around them.

"But it's made from Clorox!" Dan screamed.

Taking a sip Peligrino, Sally chuckled calmly and patted his hand. "Now, now, Dan. It's made by Clorox bleach not from Clorox bleach." As she so flawless placed the proper emphasis on the right prepositions it was easy to see why Sally is revered as an absolute god in the world of voice work. Many voice actors study for years hoping to have "The Kellerman", that voice once described as having "the perfect patina of a whisper of bourbon for breakfast and the gravitas of half a Turkish cigarette each day before lunch."

Sally had reached her silver screen pinnacle in 1973 in Lost Horizon where she went to a Nepali hidden valley called Shangri La but had to end up having George Hamilton as a boyfriend. No wonder she abandonded film roles for voice work.

"Dan, I'm sure Clorox is a perfectly legimate corporation," Sally said. "It's just that I have...questions."

"Clearly there is a conspiracy and a cover up," Dan said with a quiver in his voice.

"Oh, it's surely nothing that big"

"Sally, can you explain where the Hidden Valley actually is?"

"Well, no. All I know is that Clorox is based here in Oakland. I think we should just drop in."

"Exactly," Dan said. "The more you look at it, the more it gets fishy."

Just then a server brought my grilled salmon. "Oh, fish, I should have ordered that," Sally said.

"It's very intriguing that the Clorox logo is a diamond, a form that is a rhombus," Dan said. "Further, their headquarters is in a diamond-shaped building."

"Uh, that's all pretty superfluous, don't you think" Sally quizzed.

"No, it's central to solving the code..." Dan took a couple more bites of arugula. " In modal logic, the diamond or rhombus expresses the possibility of the following expression. For example, the expression \Diamond P expresses that it is possible that P is true."

"Can you speak in English, please, " Sally pleaded.

"Okay, consider this...The rhombus is consistently divisible by the number 12 in every combination. The Clorox headquarters is on 12th Street and is 12 stories tall and is the anchor of Oakland City Center which takes up 12 city blocks."

"Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. It's just a number," Sally pleaded.

"Oh, is it?" Dan asked. "Consider this. Twelve months in a year. Twelve hours in a day. Twelves eggs in a dozen. Twelve disciples. Twelve original Free Masons."

"Oh, shit, here we go..." Sally moaned.

"And get this," Dan said, leaning in closer. "What is across the street from Clorox as 1212 Twelfth Street? The Oakland Masonic Temple. And need I remind you what numbers represent the number 12. One and two, the bedrock of binary code."

"Bullshit, everyone knows that binary code is zero and one!" Sally screamed.

"But 0 and 1 add up to one. That makes no sense."

"You make no sense," Sally blurted out and asked for the check. Though I was not finished, I asked for my check too and followed them to the parking lot as they headed to Sally's Range Rover, likely ready to head over to Clorox.

With my eyes down, I turned my head as I heard Sally blurt out, "Are you following us?"

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At 7:43 AM, Blogger ArtSparker said...

The world is blessed with many, many conspiracies.

At 10:02 AM, Blogger Aunty Christ said...

Get that to Ron Howard, and fast!

I've loved Sally Kellerman since "Back to School." Best work of her career, I think.

At 10:05 AM, Blogger Ladrón de Basura (a.k.a. Junk Thief) said...

Not Ron Howard! I was picturing someone with an appropriately darker vision such as Lars von Trier.

At 1:43 PM, Blogger Salty Miss Jill said...

The things one hears...

At 9:44 AM, Blogger mouse (aka kimy) said...

omg this is absolutely brilliant!!

geez....sally is 72, where does the time go?


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