More Wildlife News: Stop Feeding the Bears

Two things in so called" gay culture" that have made me want to run to the ex-gay conversion therapy with Ted Haggard are that Madonna creature (there is no excuse for 'it"; friends don't let friends listen to that Madonna creature) and "bears". The only thing more disgusting than the concept of bears is being around bears. The best way I can describe bears is that they act like a bunch of straight guys imitating lesbians aping straight male behavior. Although I'm attracted to a minor aspects of the look such as a certain amount of appropriately groomed facial and body hair, the overall package makes me want to start adopting 1950s screaming interior decorator behavior.

I recently got in trouble with a couple of friends who are self-identified bears who took me to a bear bar that I called The House of the Big Mamas. That didn't go over well. "How can you say such a thing, Junk Thief?!" "It's easy; I open my mouth and let the truth come out."

If I'm feeling fat an unattractive, the last thing I need is to hang out with a bunch of other fat and unattractive queens posturing as emotionally constipated straight guys with B.O. wearing flannel and pretending that they love the music of Steppenwolf. However, such places are a good wake up call to put down the milkshake and get back to the gym.

I would prefer using the name of my first crush as a moniker for any group that I would ever organize or seek out. So I was pleased to recently discover the Ministry of Sluggo which is run by a non-bear who is not exactly what I'd picture Sluggo to have grown up to be but will do just fine. I can even forgive him for having one song by that Madonna creature in his iPod since it's a throwaway novelty tune.

Of course, I don't think anyone could ever live up to what I thought Sluggo should be -- a slightly tough kid from the Bronx who would always be snuggly and sweet with me but could beat up anybody who insulted us or our BFF Nancy. But I'm not sure I like the idea of there ever being a group of Sluggos. I often wonder how Libertarians manage to get along since the very idea of coming together to organize a party counters their grounding ideals. Perhaps we'll someday have a Ron Paul Memorial Freeway, a patch of rock and tumbleweed strewn prairie that leads nowhere.

Drought: Officially ended

Okay, I said earlier that if not as a resolution, then as an intention that in 2007 would give dating, itimacy and...uh...sex, a go for it again. Surely sometime in the first six months. Not a week into January, and at least a couple of tick boxes can be checked off. I plan to repeat it. It was affirming if not an epiphany. I don't want a epiphany, I doubt my heart could take it. Well, it probably could, but I want it to be a real one not just faking it. It was okay. Not awesome, amazing, fabulous.

Regardless, some observations:

• I do like waking up with someone next to me in the morning, but three to four times in a month is enough. The rest of the time I'd rather be in bed with the cat.
• If an overnight stay is involved, the stakes have to be really high if I am not going to do it in my own bed. I travel enough that I consider it torture to use someone else's sheets and towels in my own town.
• My fear that I'd officially joined the walker and prune juice set has been pleasantly shattered by more than one less than 30-year-old for whom there was mutual attraction. Mutual attraction, mind you, not compatability (emotionally, economically, spiritually). It was pleasant, and there won't be repeat performances. Thus, I took his number without comment and did not offer mine.
• If any person I am dating ever suggests that we "just hang out together," I will be clear on my intent and not compromise on this ever again. Being forced to "just hang out together" is up there with being hung by your fingernails or on the noose next Saddam.

Okay, that's as close as I will go to details and will let the metaphorical images tell the rest of the story. I don't want those Nielsen folks to ranks this site TV-14. But, as promised plan to see more about life and the future, not death and the past this year on JunkThief.blogspot and JunkThiefTV