The Night of the Wild and Woolly

I was really getting tired of looking at ugly old Omer's mug, and if there's going to be a wild eyed, wacko Mission resident at the top of this blog it's going to be that dude on the upper right. (No comments on that profile shot? What's the deal? Okay, all those hours of posing while listening to Miles Davis' In a Silent Way were wasted.)

W is my favorite letter, especially when it is pronounced properly and not in the manner of that sewer maggot holding the White (as in W) House hostage. Double U not Dubya, puh-leeze! Doesn't it just sound cooler when properly pronounced with all three syllables not with that lazy Texan two syllable drawwwwwwl? Why isn't M called double n? Or should it be double-upside-down-V? Double U is one of those simultaneously abstract and concrete concepts like the words sweater and pullovers. How long does one sweat into ones sweater until knowing it's time to shift to light weight linen? Double-U is so Dada, Cocteau and Duchamp all at the same time. Man Ray and Kiki did a very erotic commercial for the letter W that was too hot for Sesame Street.

My favorite use of the letter Double U is the Wild and Woolly West. The Wild, Wild West is a favorite use as well. I've been watching the second season (released just before the Summer of Love or was it the Somer of Luv?) The dreadful Will Smith/Kevin Kline movie of the same name diminished that wonderful series of the same name. Robert Conrad was very appropriately woolly back in the days when men waxed their hair and not their chests. I'm all for back and balls waxing, but I prefer just a little bit of appropriate chest trimming not waxing. I recently wrote a piece in my Old Fag's Writing Group about the influence of Bonanza on my sexual orientation, but WWW amped it up a bit more. Did any straight boys watch that show?
There were a lot of good West shows in the 1960s when they turned the whole concept on its head and left Death Valley Days in the desert dust. Did someone say....

Honey West....

Was there ever a greater opening theme? Who could not love a chick named Anne Francis? I love people with just a string of first names. Anne Francis was up there with Ann-Margret not to be misnamed Ann Margaret. Judy Julie Lulu Zza Zza Eva Lily Marie! A string of first names in a female moniker is so proto-feminist, announcing that she needs no phallic family name to define her. No wonder Babs forced William Wyler (double double yoos there) to excise most of Anne's scenes from Funny Girl. She knew competition when she saw it. I think her only line left in the flick was "Did he fire ya?"

Honey is a great name too. I hate it when men call me sweetie, dear, or darling. But I swoon when they call me honey. It really brings out my drone devouring instincts. Drip it on me, you drone!

More than Dune or Blade Runner, the original Wild, Wild West was the most Steampunk, post-modern, beefcake fagfest of all time. Besides wild woolly chest shots, Conrad usually strutted around in Grant Administration leotard dress pants that helped me ace my middle school male anatomy class. I could identify all 3,304 muscles below the waste line as result. He had more brocade and silk vests than Prince, Wendy, Lisa Apollonia, Sheila E and Vanity combined.

I also dug that all the episodes were titled "The Night of the..." In season 3, Junk Thief TV may call each episode "The Winter of the..." Whadya think?

Oh, and if you're looking for the definitive rendition of the theme song of the show, Cartman's version is the best. I know South Park is so 1998, but this is one that is worth diving into the archives. I feel so woolly and wild just dipping into the recent past.

All About Robert Ford

I have many contradictions when it comes to "gay culture" -- despise Madonna, Cher and Dynasty but could listen to Miles Davis, Steely Dan and Blood, Sweat and Tears all day. However I will admit to having watched and dissected All About Eve multiple times. Oddly, a film made by primarily heterosexual men seems to get at the heart of a certain ilk of primarily gay men.

Fittingly, an extended two disc reissue of Eve has come out at almost the same time as a heavily homoerotic remake -- The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Oddly, only a couple of reviewers caught onto the parallels. Several said they felt it was an homage to past films but weren't sure which ones. Duh! It's basically the same plot as Eve, except in this version I'd like to bang most of the cast members. Just as I felt Jarhead was the hotter gay film instead of the very unsexy, boring and tedious Brokeback Mountain, Assassination is about the queerest flick I've seen all year. The hats alone gave me a huge woody.

I've never been a fan of Brad Pitt -- too blond, too bland, too, I dunno. But as a native Missourian, he nails the outlaw role flawlessly and is the perfect mirror of Margo Channing -- at times ruthless and cruel, sometimes confused and vulnerable, longing to retire from the spotlight but not sure how to do so. Adoring Casey Affleck in the Eve/Ford role has all the paraphernalia of the star's past triumphs and longs for the spotlight him/herself. Fittingly, Sam Shepherd carries the torch of Thelma Ritter in the Birdie/Frank James that smells the stench of an opportunistic interloper a country mile away. I'd like to see Shepherd recreate other Ritter roles such as Rear Window or maybe star in a biopic about her.

Watching Brad's Jesse sitting in an ornate chair in the yard as he cuts off the heads of snakes without batting an eye, it's hard not to picture Bette Davis doing the same. At the same time, I could see Brad braying, "I'm forty, dahling. Four-tee!"

While Eve is noted for having some of the crispest writing to ever be penned for the big screen but a rather dull visual style, the opposite could be said of Assassination. There are a few nice passages of narration throughout, but I doubt I'll be quoting any lines. However, it's stunning to look at at every turn. At almost the same age as Davis when she made Eve, Pitt looks great with dark hair and just the right gravitas that is accented by glorious costume design that is heavy on crisp white shirts, dark vests and headgear that I long to track down for my own collection. This, of course, is an obvious nod to the duds worn by Addison DeWitt in Eve. He easily could walk into any scene of Assassination and look right at home with "the boys".