Neurotic Like Me

A (more or less accurate) transcription of conversation. Avis Rental Car return, 4:51 p.m.

Attendant 1: She wouldn’t hear any of it.

Attendant 2: Yeah, they can be that way at that age. (To me.) Hi sir, you might want to pull to the right so you got a little more room.

Me: Okay. (I back out and re-enter.)

Attendant 1: I just wouldn’t put up with it if a kid was that way with me. They have to own their actions.

Attendant 1: It’s like that movie, Poltergeist. (To me.) How did the Cobalt work out for you sir?

Me: Fine.

Attendant 2: What are you talking about? Poltergeist?

Attendant 1: (Checking the serial number on the windshield) You know, that movie, Poltergeist.

Attendant 2: Oh, I’ve seen it. Scary as shit.

Attendant 1: (Opening the passenger door) Where are the keys? Oh, yeah, here. Well, she’s like that little girl. “I didn’t do it mommy. I didn’t do it.”

Attendant 2: First time I saw it, thought I was gonna crap my pants, all those aliens running around.

Attendant 1: “I didn’t do it mommy.” No, there aren’t any aliens in Poltergeist.

Attendant 2: Sure there are, they go around scaring that ugly little white girl and eating people.

Attendant 1: (Getting out of the car and keying numbers into her pad.) They are not aliens. They’re…poltergeists.

Attendant 2: That’s right, poltergeist aliens.

Attendant 1: They are not aliens! (To me) Keep this on the same card sir?

Me: Sure.

Attendant 2 They are. They’re aliens, where else would they come from?

Attendant 1: The spirit world, or wherever poltergeists come from?

Attendant 2: From outer space, that’s why they’re so spooky. They come from some planet where everybody’s really ugly. They’re really not mean. They’re just ugly and don’t know better.

Attendant 1: (To me, handing my ticket.) Did you leave anything from the car, sir? Cell phone? Jacket? Any other personal accoutrements?

Me: No.

Attendant 2: Whatever you say, but I know that those poltergeists are aliens, ‘cause in 38 years I’ve never seen anything like them on this planet.

Attendant 1: They have to be ghosts because they come up from the ground to haunt people trying to build on their burial ground.

Attendant 2: Didn’t you see War of the Worlds? Those aliens had been living underground for centuries and then came up to scare people. Aliens can come from underground, not just the sky.

Attendant 1: That was different in War of the Worlds. They really were aliens. (To me) Anything else sir?

Me: No.

Attendant 1: All I know was she was like that little girl in the movie. “I didn’t do it mommy.”

Attendant 2: Right, the aliens did it.

Attendant 1: (To me) Thank you very much for choosing Avis, and have a great flight. No, because they are poltergeists not aliens. (To me) Do you need directions to the terminal, sir

Me: No

Attendant 2: They may have been ghosts or poltergeists, but they were alien ghosts.

Attendant 1: (To me) Thank you, sir, and hope you choose Avis again. That’s insane! Have you ever seen a dead alien?

Attendant 2: Have you ever seen a poltergeist?

Me: (Silently, in my head.) They're back!