Friday, October 06, 2006

Jan Crouch Declares Holy War!

There are drag kings, MtoFs, FtoMs, hermaphadrites, and plain old drag queens…and then there is Jan Crouch. Jan, who is somewhere on the scale of entertainer and snake oil huckster, is rumored to be a biological female, but I certainly never want to be the one who would have the bitter task of confirming that. But for sheer train wreck entertainment value, no one can top Jan. She makes Tammy Fae seem a tad too subdued and intelligent.

Jan’s side show extravaganzas began as a child with her oft told story of getting into faith healing by anointing a dead baby chicken with oil and bringing it back to life. She’s never elaborated whether or not the chick in turn sent her a check or major credit card in order to receive one of her free love gifts. But Jan’s career and move to Orange County would soon follow. More recently she has embarked on a global doll ministry in which she gives little girls in the former Soviet block a Barbie doll and a Bible. I’m not sure what she gives the boys? Are GI Joe dolls too girly for a televangelist?

Jan would be just old fashioned funny not scary were she not just a sideshow freak. Instead, today she has become the dominant paradigm of political discourse. That’s why I developed my little Jan Crouch Declares Holy War video. Oh, in case you didn’t realize it, this is supposed to be satire. Though I would doubt Jan would disagree with any of the sentiments.

And, as you listen the vocals, you may likely ask if that little girlish voice singing is Jan?
Well, actually Jan sings an octave or two higher. That is the voice of “Little Marcy.’

*******SPOILER ALERT*************

Little Marcy was very popular on the Sunday School and Vacation Bible School circuit in the late 1960s and throughout the 1970s when she released such classic albums as “Little Marcy Sings to $1.98 Children.” What was always mysterious was that whenever Little Marcy sang, she was accompanied by “Big Marcy,” a woman by the name of Marcy Tigner. Alas, I hate to break the news that only recently has been revealed: Little Marcy wasn’t a girl at all but a doll used as a tool of Big Marcy. There’s a lot on the ‘net about Little Marcy, but this is a good start for those who’ve never had the Little Marcy Experience.

And, if you’ve never had the full Jan Crouch Experience, this is not a bad place to start. (Of course AFTER checking out my Jan Crouch Declares Holy War video.) Further evidence of Jan's seemingly unlimited talents can be viewed here in which she transforms into Nina Hagen. When you think about it, they have more in common than you might first realize.

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At 3:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What kills me is the elephant-in-the-living-room-ness of her colors-that-do-not-occur-in-nature hair -
pink, lavender, etc. It's never mentioned, never explained. Lately TBN has been playing, over and over, the most histrionic and shallow monologue by Jan where she talks about the Holy Spirit telling her to bring 10,000 dolls to Haiti after the earthquake there. Of all the things the children of Haiti may have needed at that point, somehow dolls do not come to mind as essential humanitarian aid! And she puts tags on them that say that each doll is a gift from Jesus. In my humble opinion, if Jesus was going to send gifts to homeless, poverty-stricken, earthquake-shocked children in Haiti, somehow I don't think that an eleven and a half inch (Jan specifically identified them as such) plastic doll from Wal-Mart would be on his top ten list.

In the Woody Allen film "Hannah and Her Sisters", one of the characters, upon viewing some televangelist on TV, makes the following comment and I think this sums things up nicely:

"If Jesus Christ came back to earth and saw all the things that people are doing in His name, He would never stop throwing up."

Also, I don't know if you are aware of this, but Jan & Paul Crouch along with Pat Robertson basically stole the TV ministry started by Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker. I hated Jim, but there was something about Tammy that, however tacky, was sincere and genuine. I actually read an autobiography of hers, written long before Jim Bakker's fall from Grace, and she details some of the shitty and backstabbing things that Jan and Jim Crouch did to them, all supposedly in the name of Jesus.

I kind of miss Tammy Faye, she was a brave person and she withstood a great deal of criticism with a sense of humor, and stayed true to herself and her beliefs. While I don't share those beliefs, I did admire her for sticking to hers.
She wasn't a phony, although much about her physical appearance was.
Jan Crouch strikes me as less than genuine and I would not be a bit surprised if she wasn't heavily medicated much of the time. She really is bizarre!

At 6:21 PM, Blogger Greg May said...

Billy Graham lived in the SAME house for many years, drove the SAME car and led more people to Christ than any televangelist in the history of evangelism. God is going to have a special punishment for people like the Crouch's who preyed upon the lonely and shut-ins by using their money to supplement their extravagant lifestyle by using the name of Jesus!

At 7:25 PM, Blogger fuikhvgjkguug said...


At 7:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

May you burn & burn in your lying dirty Christian crap Jan Crouch. Stupid dumb Christians in 2016 just don't get it! Just so amazing how dumb the public is.


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