Something in the Air, But What Is It?

JunkThief departs TiBeCa to visit
ghosts in his old Soho neighborhood.

Barely 24 hours into this visit to Manhattan and not much more than that to go, and something simultaneously familiar and totally new is tugging at me. It’s one of the strongest feelings I’ve had in a good decade. The abbreviated lunch with my ex W_____ didn’t even trigger it, and I’m not fully sure what did or what it is.

Every time I come here, my heart and head both ask what insanity keeps me in California with its bland niceness and nothing to complain about and nothing to rave about. (A stifling subway ride back to Midtown did remind me of some of the things that I do prefer about California.) When I lived here, California was always intriguing but never seductive. More than a decade there it is familiar but not the place that fuels my dreams.

All of this sounds like I may be feeling the familiar pressure to move back here, and there are now few obstacles to keep me from doing so. But is it the right choice? Compared to Buenos Aires? Or Geneva? Or Chicago? Or…or…or…

It may be none of those things. All I know is that it’s been hitting me like a ton of bricks with great urgency, demanding to be sorted out and acted upon with passion. I have hints of what it may be about, but I also feel it is still a great mystery. In short, something that is almost there but threatening to slip away from my grasp. I’ve survived well on instinct and impulses much of my life but have lately prided myself on my sense of providence and planning. All of these things seem ready to collide.

Back in the comfort of home, I am not sure how this will sort out. But I feel the pounding drumbeat of change that I’ve ignored for too long, and it won’t rest silent this time.