Friday, June 08, 2007

Runt Worship: How Low Can We Go?

On the list of things JunkThief does not like about San Francisco, high up would be the Bay area’s gay fetish culture. Fetishes are all good and well in the JunkThief book, but the ones here are just so lame and lack creativity.

Leather/S&M? Ew, no, boring, ugly costumes. And cold steel just never has done it for JunkThief. We’re sure they were cool in…1957, but move on for Chrissakes. Bears? Shouldn’t they be called hogs? If JunkThief wanted to fuck the fat and furry crowd he would have diddled with his cousins more often than he did as a youth. Then there’s the local twink fashion crowd who, on the whole, look like little Caucasian Modesto transplants who think they’re urbane because they put $3,000 of H&M duds on mom’s credit cards and hang out at the Bar on the Castro that has a design theme that would have been really chic were it a bar in Omaha back in, say, 1987. Guess all that’s left is Cowboy/Brokeback Mountain drag. Sorry, JunkThief spent enough time in the Great Plains to know what those dudes smell like. No thanks

Sorry, the right fetishes just ain't out here in the fog.

So JunkThief is already feeling twinges of “Things we wish there’d been enough time to have done while in Manhattan.” Salty Miss Jill brought to his attention Runt at the Nowhere Bar on East 14th on Wednesdays. It’s a night for height challenged men and their admirers. It was started by Stephen Merritt of the Magnetic Fields. (We're not sure if it still happens, but it looks like great fun from the various reviews.)

JunkThief may seem like a mere peep pip squeak next to the towering Bryce Digdug, but at 6'2" in sock feet, he would still qualify for the tall club in most people's books. He endured the “Do you play basketball?” comments from relatives as a teen. JunkThief has usually said that his ideal mate is somewhere between 5’7” and 5’9”, and some of his favorite celebs like Jeremy Piven fall into that category, especially the lower end of the scale. But daring to dip below the 5’7” plateau is one of those excitingly taboo and intriguing prospects he has yet to dare himself to explore. It's so wrong that it's right.

All of this shorty chasing/runt ravishing might suggest that JunkThief has some boy-chaser or power play complex which could not be further from the truth. First, the runts must be fully adult, ideally 35 or older and second JunkThief prefers that they be the pursuer,/aggressor which they typically have been in the initial dance of the whole dynamic of short-tall. (JT has never had a beau taller than him.) It’s sort of the Krazy Kat/Ingnaz Mouse dynamic of unlikely pursuit.

In his many years of therapy, JunkThief never got to the topic of his obsession of having those little banty roosters to topple the tower of his manhood. Come to think of it most of his therapists were height challenged Jewish men, but so be it.

One fetish JunkThief would like to see brought to the forefront is the odd appeal of New Jersey transit workers. No, we’re not hot for not surly, chubby 60-year-olds in orthopedic shoes and stinking of Jack-in-the-Box breath, but ones like the guy we’ll call Vinnie (didn’t catch his name but that’s the one we’ve assigned him) on the train yesterday to the airport. This mid-30s surly dude with just the right mix of face fuzz, Italian American lineage, working class Jersey accent and surly attitude was the stuff to fuel JunkThief wet dreams for a week or two. Top it off with that blue uniform and 19th century transit worker cap adorably slightly askew as he punched JT’s ticket and mumbled, “Newark Liberty is the thud stop. Thud stop!” JT was quivering and mapping out in his head a Jersey transit night at the right bar to lure in the right boys in blue as we had a little fun playing with new takes on the bridge and tunnel trade. We could throw those boys Jello shots as they brought new meaning to the various stops along the Northeast Corridor line. JunkThief and Vinnie could give a whole new meaning to the word “Secaucus.”

As Johnny Cash so eloquently put it, “I Gotta Thing About Trains.”

Why is it that JunkThief has always found working class boys from the Mid-Atlantic States intoxicating but dumb fuck crackers from the South to be, well…dumb fuck crackers from the South? Not that JunkThief hasn’t had his share of Southern boys, but they tend to be over-educated, hyper-intellectual types.

In the meantime JunkThief will be on the prowl for the proper Runt by the Bay. And, no, to date he has yet to spot a single Muni or BART employee that comes anywhere close to embodying something remotely close to hotness.

(Oh, dear, we already tremble thinking of the comments this post will bring, but bring it on. No bring on an appropriately hot and aggressive Jersey transit runt.)

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12 Comments:

At 12:54 PM, Blogger Scot said...

Yes, little men are often aggressive, hence the term "little man syndrome."
Also isn't short Jewish man redundant? I only say that because of my Jewish girlfriend who is 5'10" and having a hard time finding an American Jew that comes past her chin. Fun for him, but no so much for her.
Also have to agree with the bear comment...ew. And twinks in LA are worse, especially the scrawney little boys who run around in their underwear and dance on the bar for the 40+ crowd (these are not gogo boys, but just little ho's). Again, ew.
Me, I like guys who are ticklish. There's a fun power play in that. It can be quite hot to get a guy all giggly and stuggling to cover his sides only to surprise him with a passionate kiss. mmmm ow I have you in my power....

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger Brechi said...

I don't really like the leather-y stuff either.

 
At 1:44 PM, Blogger Junk Thief said...

Scot - I think we're on the same page on most of those. At first I thought you said thickish not ticklish. Oh, yeah, that's fun, and I love to see a grown man giggle. It's sort of an S& M thing only fun and sweet not a bunch of macho posing. Yes, most go go boys are hos. I call 'em go go away boys. One other fetish group I can go for are bicycle messengers provided their not too snarly and over tattooed. They're usually nice, lean, edgy boys who know how to weave through traffic in a flash.

Brechi - I'm with you on the leather stuff. Mind you I love my leather shoes and have more than a few leather jackets, blazers, etc. But not as a culture.

 
At 1:48 PM, Blogger Salty Miss Jill said...

Those bike messengers DO look like fun, don't they? As long as they don't speak, of course...

 
At 1:54 PM, Blogger Junk Thief said...

Salty - All I ask of them is to move fast and deliver my package.

 
At 3:19 PM, Blogger Dave said...

Again with the South-bashing. I got my eye on you, boy...

 
At 3:26 PM, Blogger Zolamide said...

Ouch, dissing the bears hurts, I always thought it was just the superficial "3 hours a day at the gym and tanning salon" queens that branded us all as fat and ugly, but whatever. Some of the the NJT conductors are hot, but they've got nothing on the UPS man.

 
At 3:26 PM, Blogger Junk Thief said...

Oh, Dave, I was talking about the dumb fucks not YOU. And just because it's a dumb fuck doesn't mean it's a bad one. By the way, how tall are you?

 
At 5:11 PM, Blogger Dave said...

Oh, about 5'8". Why?

 
At 5:22 PM, Blogger Junk Thief said...

5'8" Mmmmmm. Why did I ask? Oh no reason. Just call me Krazy Kat.

 
At 9:21 PM, Blogger rich bachelor said...

"How low can we go?" indeed. Spent much time in Portland?
When I was a thoroughgoing young lad with a fine hand for the perfect shot and excellent foam, I was a barista at a largely gay coffee shop.

Saturdays, that's when the Radical Fairies would mass. Which is to say, gentlemen whose fondness for Inclusion went wayyyy too far.
You haven't seen Runt until you've seen the runt with Down's Syndrome sporting an affected lisp.
Or the guy who got shot in the face, and now only has a vestigial mouth-hole, eyes kinda, and no nose. I love the fact that they care, but...
And stupidity inevitably rules the damn day. You gotta see this; at least once.

Ah dat Kat. "Little Dollink. Always fetful..." Heh heh...

 
At 9:59 PM, Blogger Junk Thief said...

Rich, I hear you on the more PC than thou crowd that wants to embrace every form of marginalization, even when they're dating. When I pick a mate, I'm pretty discriminating and bascially want him to be sane, stable and hot. I don't consider a man's limited height to be a liability or handicap. For me it's a major turn on. Bring them runts on, bebe.

 

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