Saturday, September 01, 2007

It Doesn't Mean I'm Gay, You Know

After all the pressure getting ready for the Memorial Day estate sale at Lazy Acres, I really enjoyed doing my mini-stoop sale with J today and managing to come up with enough cash to buy some DVDs at Amoeba and a jumbo burrito. Not bad for three and a half hours work and plenty of great street theater.

That hideous thing at the top that looks like something that was inspired by a 1986 Bill Cosby sweater was sort of the pièce de résistance (as in anyone with an ounce of class would resist it) of the sale. It was actually a birthday gift to J from an ex who insisted that they were being sold for $180 at a shop in Ghiradelli Square and that Bette Midler has one in her home. (Yeah, maybe as a memento from Ruthless People.) Sometimes called the menorah from Hell, it's been a running gag for a couple of years, something to drag out at parties to see people's mouths drop in horror. We just wondered if there'd be someone who'd actually have such bad taste that they'd buy it.

It managed to be a good source of humor with our customers, but finally there was a woman late in the day. We didn't catch her name, but we'll call her "Phoebe" -- 4osh, mildly hippie-chick who said she'd been spending the day buying shoes along 24th Street in Noe Valley. She has a thing for butterflies, and J gave her a small packet he had of them as an enticement. Phoebe was really drawn to the menorah from Hell and then went on a rant about how horrible it is that some people will come to a shop, try to bargain someone for a great piece of art and insult the artist and gallery owner. After agreeing to pay $3, she left paying $2. We tried to get her to buy a pair of beaded curtains. Phoebe said she already has some in her Potrero Hill home that are purple with sparkling turquoise accents. Oh, I can just see her and her Wednesday night nude women's yoga group with the menorah ablaze as they strike their sun pose to the sounds of Zap Mama.

One of the best parts of the deal, was that I got cash for crap left over from a number of exes, some of it going back 15 to 17 years. I unloaded the emotional baggage years ago, and it's liberating that none of their literal cargo is still festering in my closets or offsite storage. If I ever needed a sign that it's time to get back on the boyfriend hunt, this was it. Always smart and sassy, Junk Thief is now available for your dating pleasure. Bring it on!

Precious, J's tripod, was a great traffic builder in his 1950s house dress.

Best come back line I wish I'd said but waited to long: A couple really funny, Jewish-looking boho/bobo dudes in a mid-1980s Volvo station wagon bought a zebra striped vase. I razzed them about being so grand as to call it a vaz. Their parting shot (said with love, of course) "Now just because we're a couple of dudes buying a fancy vaz with pussy willow in it, I don't wantcha to go around saying I'm gay." My comeback, of course, should have been, "Whatever you say, Senator Craig."Woo hoo! I can upgrade from the $2 to $4 bottle of gin and treat a couple of the homeless people to their own bottle tonight. Now, this is what I call a holiday!

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At 5:01 AM, Blogger Salty Miss Jill said...

This looked like a lovely way to spent a Saturday afternoon, if not for the pile of sweet cash but the entertainment value. Damn, I miss living in a city.

At 9:32 AM, Blogger Joy said...

I unloaded the emotional baggage years ago, and it's liberating that none of their literal cargo is still festering in my closets or offsite storage. If I ever needed a sign that it's time to get back on the boyfriend hunt, this was it.

This is my favorite part of this story (followed by the photo of Precious!). Just getting the physical remnants out of your possession will make room for new things! Let the BF hunt begin!!! Ya-HOO!

At 11:47 AM, Blogger Junk Thief said...

Jill - Yep, it was a fun day. Junk Thief do luv him some cash, but blew it on DVDs not gin. (I kid sometimes, in case you hadn't figured that one out yet.)

Joy - There's nothing better than a cleansing ritual in which you are compensated with cash. Yes, Precious generally deserves his name but can be cranky sometimes. It's especially fun to see him eat the homeless people's burritos while wearing his faux fur coat.

Okay, so you're sending my first date my way, right? I'll be ready 'bout half past eight, tell that brother to not be late...

At 7:19 PM, Blogger marxsny said...

I'm not even Jewish and I'm offended by that menorah. It reminds me of this religious store I once discovered that sold all kinds of gaudy religious artwork, stuff like crucifixes encrusted with jewels and sequins. I guess there are some people out there who like there stigmata to be a conversation piece.

At 7:40 PM, Blogger Junk Thief said...

Mark - Yes, I even had to keep some distance between it and my stuff just in case someone thought it was mine. J was pretty shameless and funny in trying to unload it and would ask people if they were Jewish and then tell them he had a treasure for them to behold. (A good 3/4ths of them were which tells you a heck of a lot about garage sales and Noe Valley.) "Phoebe" said "Yes, I'm a little bit Jewish." As I always say, "Aren't we all just a little bit Jewish and a little bit gay?"

At 7:23 AM, Blogger Gary said...

Oh! Once again I commented too late and Joy took the words right out of my mouth. Dang girl! We must spend too much time together.

When you do go out on your mandate please provide details.

At 8:30 AM, Blogger Junk Thief said...

Gary - Out of respect of the guy, I wouldn't spread all the details on the web. Now I just need to find him. You don't happen to have a brother or clone in California, do you?


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