Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Red or Yellow...Black or White

Feeling a little down today? Does your Wednesday have more lump than hump in it? Then I suggest you head north and charge across the prairie to visit little old Aunty Christ. She was discovered last week when JunkThief did the story (yes, it was more fiction than reportage) about the visiting Mormons. During the fact finding mission, JunkThief did a Google search, and was thrilled to see that sweet little 96-year-old face staring back at him and pulling out a big old booger. (Sadly, Aunty Christ's sister, Aunty Depressant has yet to launch a site. I keep telling her to take her Zoloft!)

If you're cranky, I think you'll just love Aunty Christ. There's no getting around it. This gal's got attitude to spare. As she puts it: "I used to be the girl all the men wanted to dance with. It's true: Men once enjoyed dancing with elderly women with bunions, facial hair, and breath like a teenage boy's armpit. No longer, though. Thank god. I fucking hate dancing."

Clearly the Dorothy Parker of Saskatoon, Aunty Christ is also a graduate of the W.C. Fields Academy of Child Care. The only thing she hates more than raccoons (which apparently fill the streets of Saskatoon) are the wee ones. In her book, there is nothing more redundant than the two words "ugly baby."

Sadly, poor Aunty has not been feeling well lately and is just returning from a Robitussin holiday. So be sure to send her a get well message.

Alejandro and I have been planning a Valentine's Day getaway to Saskatoon next year, but Aunty has been oddly reticent in responding to my question of whether I should pack my thong or boardshorts for when I loll and sun by the pool at the Econolodge on the south side of town. Oh, come off it! It's not as if this were the first time they saw ivory thighs in Canada.

Aunty dispels another Falwell fallacy about the Aunty Christ being a Jewish man. Oh wait, that was anti-Christ. Jewish satanist? That would be my cousin Sheldon in Lansing!

Though I've not confirmed it, I strongly suspect that Aunty Christ was the model for the promotional poster for Saskatoon done back in 1926. What could lure you up there more than that siren of the maple leaf prairie?

Ah well, do check out this, another JunkThief endorsed blog. Now I'm becoming the Swifty Lazar of blog land serving as the agent for others. As Tug Boat Dave in New Orleans put it: "Sometimes your blog makes my head hurt!"

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At 11:45 AM, Blogger Dave said...


At 2:43 PM, Blogger Bryce Digdug said...

I was just listening to Hildegard Knef sing "Get Out of Town" in German. When I do my modern film noir set in Los Angeles this will be the theme song as the sun softly rises above the Chateau Marmont. A young Raquel type gets out of the pool in her red, white, and blue one-piece and, still soaking wet, puts her iPod in one ear and her cell phone in the other. She orders Pringles from room service.


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