Whose Fried Orthodoxy Tastes the Best?

Sometimes my live friends and blog friends that live in less urban venues tell me that they are envious of me living in big, sophisticated San Francisco with all it's great culture and outdoor activities. Mind you, on any given day I am very happy here and agree that it has many amazing things to offer. But seeing some recently entries by bloggers such as Eva Deadbeat and C.B. at the Mangina Monologues (yeah, great name, isn't it) about going to state and county fairs. I really need to just get in the Saturn, head over the ridge and check out some of the fun in Solano or Yolo counties which I hear put on some great county fairs.

When I was a kid in Oklahoma, I particularly loved the finale of the livestock competition which was a cattle fashion show, with a cow coming out in a wedding dress in that. Now I've never seen anything that cool in San Francisco.

Reading C.B.'s venture to the fair in Minnesota, I noticed his mention of buying a deep fried Snickers bar on a stick and thought, oh surely that's a joke. A quick Google search revealed to my horror that there is such a thing lurking out there, waiting to lure in the clueless. Maybe my "Gravy on a Stick" idea actually has a market.

Actually the very thought of fried chocolate makes me nauseous just writing it. I have a pretty severe chocolate allergy, and just being around the stench of any form of chocolate makes me want to gag. When I hear people crave for it, even go to spas where you can be slathered in that filth, I absolutely think the world has gone mad. Coke, Pepsi and other colas are almost as offensive to me and make me think of what it must be to drink motor own with a cup of sugar. I rarely like sweets of any kind, and consider sweetened coffee or tea one of the greatest crimes against humanity. I don't think I've had a pack of sugar or sweetener in my house in about 25 years. Yep, that's why I'm such a salty guy.

Despite these aversions, I feel really deprived of those state and county fairs. San Francisco has plenty of fairs and outdoor events, some of which are really worth going but many of which I avoid like the plague. I have not been to the Pride parade in at least 15 years but would pay top dollar to be directed to a Shriners' Parade. Watching a bunch of fat guys in their 60s in tiny little cars is 100 times more entertaining to me that yet another tedious viewing of Dykes on Bikes.

Then we have the Exotic Erotic Ball, Up Your Alley, Hairison Street Fair, Castro Street Fair and the wretched grand daddy of them all, Folsom Street Fair. I've been to most of them about once and hope I never have to endure any of them ever again in my life. I'm not that much of a prude, am supportive of people having a safe haven to embrace their sexuality, support affronts against conformity, etc. etc. All the same, once you've seen a dozen or so overweight 65-year-old men strutting around to show the world their pierced scrotums, you really don't have a need to see it again, especially when you know that there is a fried Snickers bar out there calling your name.

All of these things, as well as groups such as the Sister of Perpetual Indulgence, which I am sure were a riot back in 1977 but have since settled into a repetitive, self-righteous, conformist orthodoxy that is as boring as their supposed targets underwritten by the Vatican. Similar thoughts go through my mind when I walk through the Haight. With all it's feral scruffiness, it still feels like a Disney-fied scruffiness with a cast born a good two decades after the Summer of Love fitting into the same costumes that probably should have been put into the wax museum eons ago.

If you've questioned the dominant paradigm, changed it and created a new one, ultimately you have come back to square zero and start the process all over again.