Sunday, September 16, 2007

Dating Decoded and More

I know that you've seen her. She always has those full page ads in major airline magazines offering her service to make personal introductions for busy professionals who are turned off by the bar scene and are just looking the make their successful, otherwise perfect lives finally complete. She has a fashion sense that's sort of a cross between a cousin of Tony Soprano, Ivana Trump and a mid-range Vegas madame. Usually her upswept blonde tresses tower above her white pantsuit and gold pumps as she stands under the archway of a Spanish Gothic mansion with a hand on one hip as she flashes a smile that displays her blindingly white veneers.

Damn, what's her name? Something like Angela Vanatelli or such. I was really wanting to track down a shot of her to kick off this post about recent dating adventures. Anyway, I've been tempted to call that number just to sit down with her and see her expression when I open by saying that what I'm looking for is a Jewish doctor with a donkey dong. Naw, as I always told my mom, Jewish doctors aren't for me since like janitors and butchers, they put their hands in nasty places.

Well, as mentioned earlier, I've given a stab at trying dating again by a variety of methods. As if the movie Sideways were not enough of a reminder that one should not resort to the mercy fuck or dip a few notches below your standards, I got a good taste of that this weekend. Besides being boring enough to make my C.P.A. brother-in-law seem like a hip, screaming queen, this guy managed to excuse himself by saying he had to go home to do laundry. Oh, and he was a C.P.A. too. I don't mind being pushed aside by guys that I know are out of my league and have far more exciting lives, but this sort of rejection is always a good reminder that I should go for what I'm interested in not someone I think will consider me generous for giving them the time of day. Perhaps he read me better than I realized and was giving me a taste of my own medicine.

This reminded me how much I really hate internet dating, the lies guys tell me and themselves and the absolute lack of self assessment so many of them have when posting their goods on those sites. Well, I blame much of it on the insulting formats and templates of those sites themselves. But anytime a guy posts an image of himself where you can see the camera in the picture, it's a good sign that there's not much there of interest for me.

For anyone not already aware of the double-speak on those sites, I offer this handy decoding tool to understand these frequently used terms.

He said

He means

My friends tell me that I am attractive

I’m a troll who can’t afford to buy a mirror and rely on a circle of passive-aggressive friends who tell me what I want to hear

Just another regular guy here

Regular guy = I work at Best Buy, and my entire wardrobe is from Mervyn’s

Here = a shitty one bedroom apartment in Redwood City that I can barely afford equipped with shag carpet and coppertone appliances

Masculine guy here seeks the same

Was the sissy kid in elementary school that no one wanted on their dodgeball team. I’ve since learned to ape all the emotionally constipated mannerisms of my verbally abusive dad and older brothers that raped me at age 9

Not really much of a bar person

I’m tired of spending four hours holding a beer bottle and never getting laid


Currently in four 12-step programs

I’ve had my heart broken in the past but am still a romantic at heart

There are currently 12 restraining orders in four states out on me. Help me make it to lucky 13!

I’m a real low maintenance guy and easy to please

Gimme a bottle of poppers, a six pack and internet porn and my Saturday night is complete.

Though I’ve lived in crazy San Francisco for 10 years now, I guess my Midwest values just won’t go away

I’m a Log Cabin Republican. I gave head to Larry Craig in the men’s room of a Denny’s in Winnemucca in 1997.

Though I’ve lived in crazy San Francisco for 10 years now, I guess my Southern values just won’t go away

I’m a Log Cabin Republican. I let Mark Foley rim me when I attended Boys State the summer before my senior year in high school.

It’s really so hard to describe yourself.

Not only am I butt ugly, I’m inarticulate!

Spiritual but not religious

I’m the fat kid that became an altar boy hoping he’d get lucky but just got a pat on the head from that hot Father O’Reilly. Fuck the Vatican! I’m a Buddhist now. The Dalai Lama gets me hard.

New to this whole internet dating thing

Damn, is this the only option now that the Highway Patrol is cracking down on the rest stops?

I’m a down to earth, sane guy seeking the same

The meds do make me a lot more boring, but at least it’s safe to have knives in the house again.

Short time offer on this snazzy model. Has a few miles but still performs well. One previous owner, looking for the right match. Powerful engine under the hood.

Hope you won’t freak when you see my skid marks!

UPDATE: I keep hearing more as I cross paths with friends. At least one I forgot -

He said:
Financially and emotionally secure.

He meant:
Bankruptcy and Zoloft are my two favorite words.

UPDATE: Okay. I finally found an honest ad that, despite its pathos, is refreshingly direct albeit pathetic. I won't humiliate the poor guy (and his family) by showing his picture (which shows him in a John Deere cap holding a paint brush). All I can say is that this is 100% non-fiction and a direct cut and paste. Even my twisted mind could not dream up this one:

"I'm a fun loving, passionate, compassionate, hon-est 59 years old married man. Here's the situation my wife has become disabled. So I'm looking for a fem sub to keep me happy because she can't."

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At 7:16 PM, Blogger jason said...

Ah...alas, too, too true.

But those coppertone appliances you mention sound kind of interesting.
It might even be worth a bad date or two to get a gander at them.

At 7:21 PM, Blogger Junk Thief said...

Jason - That's a good point. Shag carpet and coppertone have become a bit too retro chic. How about muave drapes and faded faux Georgia O'Keefe prints.

At 8:16 PM, Blogger m00nchild said...

I cannot compliment momentarily. I am too busy laughing.

At 8:45 PM, Blogger Junk Thief said...

m00nie - Laughing? See, now that's what happens when I try to be sincere and serious. Boy will I have a long check in at my 12-step programs this week!

At 8:56 PM, Blogger Gavin Elster said...

Ok so what does your internet profile say to attract Mr. no fluff and all fold?

At 9:24 PM, Blogger Junk Thief said...

Gavin - Never mind the old one. It's gone. It's all about the current one: "You got 15 minutes? I got 12 inches." Gotta run. I have 368 new messages.

At 11:05 PM, Blogger Bryce Digdug said...

Almost every guy on Yahoo personals lists sports as their first interest. I thought we were the guys that weren't interested in sports.

At 11:13 PM, Blogger Junk Thief said...

Bats and balls but not sports.

At 12:57 AM, Blogger rich bachelor said...

I dunno...There's a reason they're looking there instead of meeting people that other way...

And yet, I met Aunty Christ on this 'internet' you speak of. The odds were rather against this, and yet it happened. Jus' sayin'.

At 6:55 AM, Blogger Junk Thief said...

Rich - I've not ruled out the internet as a vehicle. I'm a tad cynical not completely disillusioned. "Still, basically a romantic at heart..."? Well, on some level I am but probably would never put that in an ad.

Of course, there's only one Aunty Christ out there, so it was probably fate that you two met wherever it was. Just curious, did she say up front that she was 97 or was she slow in revealing it? However, with that lovely photo of her in her blog profile, I can't see why anyone would care what her age is. As she has said in the past, "I mean, come on! Look at me! I'm lovely."

At 7:19 AM, Blogger marxsny said...

You forgot one. "Young and ruggedly masculine" means "I don't shower regularly."

At 7:44 AM, Blogger Junk Thief said...

Mark - The alternate response on that one is: "Except on the 2nd Thursday of each month when I perform at Trannyschack as The Lady Miss Mozilla Firefox".

At 10:16 AM, Blogger rich bachelor said...

During our eight-year courtship, the lady was, shall we say, indirect about her age (vampires generally are). It turns out that, sort of like when a person who is forty may very well claim to be thirty-nine for several more years than is appropriate, a lady of 128 may just indulge her vanity for a bit by claiming ninety-seven years.

But on the other hand, an independently wealthy single male/400-pound shut-in who lives in a subterranean honeycomb of tunnels like myself is hardly in a place to complain.

At 10:26 AM, Blogger Salty Miss Jill said...

HA! Thanks for the demystification of personal ad-speak

I snagged me a husband from, myself. He used none of the aforementioned expressions...but they don't necessarily apply to MSM. Straight boys use them too...though they are generally less clever.

At 10:27 AM, Blogger Gregg said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 10:30 AM, Blogger WAT said...

An episode of JunkThief TV perhaps offering this kind of dating advice?

At 10:32 AM, Blogger Junk Thief said...

Rich - If you're ever in the market again, lead your ad with "Independently Wealthy". The rest is superfluous window dressing.

Jill - Ah, so it's I've been logging into, so that explains why I keep coming up with such losers.

WAT - Good idea. Perhaps I could be really tacky and bring a hidden camera. Believe me, it would be an episode that would evoke belly laughs, tears and jaw dropping disbelief.

At 10:50 AM, Blogger Dave said...

You forgot "swimmer's build," which means "I look like a manatee."

Aside to marxsny: not showering regularly is a plus as far as I'm concerned, but it takes all kinds.

At 11:14 AM, Blogger Junk Thief said...

Dave - Or a sperm whale.

Much as we all love you, Dave, I'm with Mark on the shower issue. Man stink chic is so 2004.

At 1:03 PM, Blogger RG said...

I was laughing so hard at the office today reading this post. Me thinks you have been a previous user of ManHunt.

At 1:10 PM, Blogger Junk Thief said...

RG - Not that one. It's always made me think too much of safaris. And I am a rabid anti-neo-colonialist. I'm out there on others that can be found if you hunt and peck.

At 7:05 PM, Blogger Robert said...

I like what Dave said, he's funny! Hey wait a minute, my avatar here IS a manatee! hmm...

So the guy needed to go home and do laundry? Oh good lord. How original. Maybe he's telling the true tho, who knows, I guess I could be gullible this way. But better for you Gregg, good riddance. This guy just didn't know any better... he totally missed out on this one. Don't let that bug you my friend, you simply can't help the unwise!

BTW, I need to put my clothes in the dryer now! ehehe! :-)

At 7:42 PM, Blogger Junk Thief said...

I doubt he was having to wash out the sweat stains from the body builder who wore him out the previous night.


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