Dating Decoded and More

I know that you've seen her. She always has those full page ads in major airline magazines offering her service to make personal introductions for busy professionals who are turned off by the bar scene and are just looking the make their successful, otherwise perfect lives finally complete. She has a fashion sense that's sort of a cross between a cousin of Tony Soprano, Ivana Trump and a mid-range Vegas madame. Usually her upswept blonde tresses tower above her white pantsuit and gold pumps as she stands under the archway of a Spanish Gothic mansion with a hand on one hip as she flashes a smile that displays her blindingly white veneers.

Damn, what's her name? Something like Angela Vanatelli or such. I was really wanting to track down a shot of her to kick off this post about recent dating adventures. Anyway, I've been tempted to call that number just to sit down with her and see her expression when I open by saying that what I'm looking for is a Jewish doctor with a donkey dong. Naw, as I always told my mom, Jewish doctors aren't for me since like janitors and butchers, they put their hands in nasty places.

Well, as mentioned earlier, I've given a stab at trying dating again by a variety of methods. As if the movie Sideways were not enough of a reminder that one should not resort to the mercy fuck or dip a few notches below your standards, I got a good taste of that this weekend. Besides being boring enough to make my C.P.A. brother-in-law seem like a hip, screaming queen, this guy managed to excuse himself by saying he had to go home to do laundry. Oh, and he was a C.P.A. too. I don't mind being pushed aside by guys that I know are out of my league and have far more exciting lives, but this sort of rejection is always a good reminder that I should go for what I'm interested in not someone I think will consider me generous for giving them the time of day. Perhaps he read me better than I realized and was giving me a taste of my own medicine.

This reminded me how much I really hate internet dating, the lies guys tell me and themselves and the absolute lack of self assessment so many of them have when posting their goods on those sites. Well, I blame much of it on the insulting formats and templates of those sites themselves. But anytime a guy posts an image of himself where you can see the camera in the picture, it's a good sign that there's not much there of interest for me.

For anyone not already aware of the double-speak on those sites, I offer this handy decoding tool to understand these frequently used terms.

He said	He means
My friends tell me that I am attractive	I’m a troll who can’t afford to buy a mirror and rely on a circle of passive-aggressive friends who tell me what I want to hear
Just another regular guy here	Regular guy = I work at Best Buy, and my entire wardrobe is from Mervyn’s Here = a shitty one bedroom apartment in Redwood City that I can barely afford equipped with shag carpet and coppertone appliances
Masculine guy here seeks the same	Was the sissy kid in elementary school that no one wanted on their dodgeball team. I’ve since learned to ape all the emotionally constipated mannerisms of my verbally abusive dad and older brothers that raped me at age 9
Not really much of a bar person	I’m tired of spending four hours holding a beer bottle and never getting laid or Currently in four 12-step programs
I’ve had my heart broken in the past but am still a romantic at heart	There are currently 12 restraining orders in four states out on me. Help me make it to lucky 13!
I’m a real low maintenance guy and easy to please	Gimme a bottle of poppers, a six pack and internet porn and my Saturday night is complete.
Though I’ve lived in crazy San Francisco for 10 years now, I guess my Midwest values just won’t go away	I’m a Log Cabin Republican. I gave head to Larry Craig in the men’s room of a Denny’s in Winnemucca in 1997.
Though I’ve lived in crazy San Francisco for 10 years now, I guess my Southern values just won’t go away	I’m a Log Cabin Republican. I let Mark Foley rim me when I attended Boys State the summer before my senior year in high school.
It’s really so hard to describe yourself.	Not only am I butt ugly, I’m inarticulate!
Spiritual but not religious	I’m the fat kid that became an altar boy hoping he’d get lucky but just got a pat on the head from that hot Father O’Reilly. Fuck the Vatican! I’m a Buddhist now. The Dalai Lama gets me hard.
New to this whole internet dating thing	Damn, is this the only option now that the Highway Patrol is cracking down on the rest stops?
I’m a down to earth, sane guy seeking the same	The meds do make me a lot more boring, but at least it’s safe to have knives in the house again.
Short time offer on this snazzy model. Has a few miles but still performs well. One previous owner, looking for the right match. Powerful engine under the hood.	Hope you won’t freak when you see my skid marks!

UPDATE: I keep hearing more as I cross paths with friends. At least one I forgot -

He said:
Financially and emotionally secure.

He meant:
Bankruptcy and Zoloft are my two favorite words.

UPDATE: Okay. I finally found an honest ad that, despite its pathos, is refreshingly direct albeit pathetic. I won't humiliate the poor guy (and his family) by showing his picture (which shows him in a John Deere cap holding a paint brush). All I can say is that this is 100% non-fiction and a direct cut and paste. Even my twisted mind could not dream up this one:

"I'm a fun loving, passionate, compassionate, hon-est 59 years old married man. Here's the situation my wife has become disabled. So I'm looking for a fem sub to keep me happy because she can't."