Friday, October 26, 2007

Sometimes I Actually Have

I hope it doesn’t shock some of the younger Junk Thief readers, but from time to time your beloved old doddering Uncle Junk Thief has played a bit of the tramp role. Though I've never been the outright slut, if only due to a short attention span if not lack of will. However, there have been a few episodes in recent years that make me wonder why I went through the effort. Reading a recent entry over on Mr. Peenee’s blog got me to thinking of a few of these from the recent past and realizing that I wonder if I went through it all just to gain fodder for stand up comedy material. Perhaps with the holidays coming, I might do a more formal inventory, but I found these three surfacing this evening as I was washing dishes and not paying attention to an interview on KQED-FM with Barry Bonds at the Commonwealth Club. (By the way, the "Hims" are three different ones, not repeating players.)

Around May 2001

Him: (After realizing that his coworker R_______ had once dated my ex A_______ ) You’re so much better looking than R _______. Why would A _______ leave you for R_____?

Me: Oh, he didn’t. We were living together at the time, and A____ tried to convince me that he R _____ were just friends and that it was just a chance for him to go to the Oracle Christmas party so he could be introduced to Larry Ellison.

Him: You know everybody at Oracle was gossiping about that, how R ______ made such a fool of himself by dragging around that little gold digger A____ fawning over Larry Ellison. We thought he was going to try to get in Larry’s pants next. You were so lucky to get rid of A_____. You deserve so much better.

Me: (Kissing his forehead). I love you.

Him: Does this mean you’re going to let me go home with you after all?

Me: No, I’m still not going to do that, but I love you.


Around November 2001

Him: (Unbuckling his belt, looking at the comforter on this, his first time with me) I don’t remember it being brocade.

Me: (Unbuttoning the last button of my shirt) Oh-kay.

Him: D_____ doesn’t live here anymore…does he?

Me: No. (Standing motionless, almost ready to button up my shirt. He grabs the back of my head, a kiss begins and lasts about 90 seconds.)

Him: He couldn’t kiss worth a damn compared to you.

Me: (Repeating what we just did, taking about twice as long and with three times as much intensity.) Thanks. (My shirt on the floor, I maneuver off my pants seemingly without hands as I maneuver him onto the bed.)

Him: The hall was this ugly dusty rose then, not that gorgeous gold. It's not even gold...more like a royal butterscotch.

Me: Yeah, the dusty rose was D _________’s color.

Him: (After I let him gasp for air.) And the gold is your color. (I devour him again.)

Me: Yep. ( I continue.)

Him: You taste better and have better taste than D____ on top of it.

Me: You’ll stay for breakfast?

Him: Absolutely..


Around February 2002

Him: I hope this doesn’t sound too weird.

Me: Try me.

Him: The only way I can really get off is if you push your forehead into my right elbow.

Me: Okay.

Him: Seriously. And it has to be the right elbow. Left elbow: now pay dirt.

Me: Like this? (I push my head in the designated place lightly.)

Him: (With a shriek that is a cross between a rabid hyena and a five year-old girl getting tickled). WeeeeeHEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHH!!!!!. Oh yes, like that.

Me: (Pushing again, with force this time.) Alright.

Him: WAHHHHHHAAAA-EEEEEEEH

Me: And that does the trick? (Pushing with firm force.)

Him: YahAAAAAHH-HEEEE-HEEEE! Almost there! Almost there!

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12 Comments:

At 10:31 PM, Blogger Wesley Darling said...

Oh my god. It's official, you have the most unusual sexcapades ever. Decorating and foreplay at the SAME TIME! Oddball erogenous zones! Professions of love, with no sex (the strangest of all!)

 
At 10:42 PM, Blogger Ladron de Basura (a.k.a. Junk Thief) said...

Wesley - What could be more erotic than fine decor? Love with out sex? To counter, I must ask if you have never heard the tune "What's Love Got to Do With It?"?

 
At 7:03 AM, Blogger Gary said...

It's a Small World indeed! This is perhaps not what Disney had in mind but it applies when you think that everyone has slept with everyone else. Sometimes this happens anyway as you describe in Scenes 1 & 2. I am sure that I have equally interesting stories but for the life of me I can't think of a one. How disappointing for me (at the moment).

I love the dry disbelief paired with enthusiasm of 'me' in these scenerios. Well done.

 
At 7:16 AM, Blogger Joy said...

That top photo - caliente! Then I read your encounters and just cracked up. Of course now I feel inspired to write up some of my anecdotes... hmmmm. Or maybe we'll just gossip at the spa!

 
At 8:29 AM, Blogger jason said...

is it wrong to be aroused at the mention of brocade?

Never mind....I know the answer to that question already.

 
At 8:43 AM, Blogger Ladron de Basura (a.k.a. Junk Thief) said...

Gary - I am sure you have some stories to share. Concentrate and then write.

Joy - Well, I spent some years in Manhattan, so we may have some paths crossed there. I know there are a lot of Italian guys named Vince there, but if he shows up in your story, we'll have quite a bit to gab about at the spa.

Jason - And few brocades are as arousing as mine.

 
At 9:10 AM, Blogger WAT said...

WHAT?! YOU'RE GAY?!

Anyway, were I to divulge and write up a bit about MY sluttiness, my blog would become the most read and visited of all time!

But alas, why soil it with such filth?!

By the way, did all of them get breakfast?

 
At 9:14 AM, Blogger Ladron de Basura (a.k.a. Junk Thief) said...

WAT - As I qualified, I have occasional tramp not slut escapades, but I will only rarely share them here. Just because I bring a man home now and then does not make me gay! The brocade is another story. If they stayed over I am always a wonderful host as far as breakfast goes.

 
At 1:23 PM, Blogger Salty Miss Jill said...

The second story is just about the gayest thing I've ever heard.

Lucky guys, all of them!

 
At 3:20 PM, Blogger Joy said...

VINCE?! MY VINCE!

Oh girl, we have to talk!

 
At 4:37 PM, Blogger Ladron de Basura (a.k.a. Junk Thief) said...

Jill - I will admit that he might have been gay, but I don't like what you seem to be implying about me. I don't like it one bit!

Joy - Perhaps we can discuss it over espresso on the Champs-Élysées when Gary and I have our hook up in the City of Lights soon.

 
At 1:09 AM, Blogger mrpeenee said...

o junky, I certainly maintain the high ground in terms of quantity and, possibly, quality, of sex, but I cede you title of Most Wierd.

 

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