MAGPIE TALE: Tears and Smoke

A return to the Magpie Tales after a couple weeks' absence
Why'd you stick your eyes in my smoke if you knew it might make them burn?
I've no pity for your pain and need to smolder and smudge my own aches away.
Let your tears flow as they must and let my little clouds rise on its own.And to think you came from the land of smudge pots and citrus.
Smokey winter nights on the edge of the desert and a banana tree
in the basement hidden like a refugee or pock-marked lover.
You came from that land of questionable icons, each with a Salem or Marlboro
lit and shrouding their calls for flag waving and stoicism.
The passion of the pastels has come with the season.
Some embryo shell dipped and shellacked to be hidden and found,
a sullen reward for a chase whose purpose remains elusive.

NEWS ALERT: Our Executive Committee Is Saved!

Whew. Just after the break of dawn, things worked out for the best for the frightening hostage situation in Orange County. After many unsuccessful attempts by the police, ATF, CIA, fire department and Jan Crouch to rescue our executive committee, things took a sudden turn for the better.

As luck would have it, the Junk Thief advisory committee was at a surfing and spiritual retreat in Laguna Beach and got wind of the hostage situation in Santa Ana. All that ginger tea and meditation gave them super dragon slaying skills and they came in to save the day at the last minute.

They did not kill the dragon but are giving him appropriate punishment by sending him to Las Vegas where he will be forced to attend performances of Cirque du Soleil until 2013. Bad dragon!

NEWS ALERT: Big Trouble in Orange County!!!!

In case you've not been following the live feeds on all the major news outlets, things have gone terribly wrong for the Junk Thief board of directors. Shortly after their non-stop flight from San Francisco to Paris lifted off, it was HIJACKED and landed at John Wayne/Orange County.

Our executive committee is being held hostage by a fire breathing dragon in the parking lot of a shopping center in Santa Ana. Oh, dear. This doesn't look good.

Stay tuned...

Le Spectre de l'Orange

If you are from Mid-America, you can always feel at home in Orange County since it's just like Mid-America except more so. It's got even more crazy right-wingers, evangelicals and sprawl than you'll find in suburban Kansas City or Cincinatti.

Today, I started off early by making a talk at 7 a.m. at the high-toned Pacific Club in Huntington Beach, down the street from John Wayne International Airport and where the Duke himself was reportedly a member. After a day of many meetings, I had a quick respite in Laguna Beach (documented earlier) before I settled in to the weirdest La Quinta on the planet in Irvine "Old Town". Someone got the bright idea of putting the motel in an old...grain elevator! Now haven't you always wanted to spend the night in a grain elevator? Besides having some rough hewn concrete walls, it's a generic motel room with a great view and audio of the Metrolink whizzing by. I try to pretend I'm in an old New York flat next to the El.

This evening I decided to venture over to the Irvine Spectrum, an Italian themed outdoor shopping court with many of the familiar big city shops but with an Orange County twist.

Some things are just like they are in an urban area, such as H&M. Their "eurosizing" conversion chart is the same as it is in SF or NYC:

XXXL = Medium
L = XS
M = Suitable for an embryo to wear

I stepped into Urban Outfitters and was dazed. It was brightly lit with cheerful music and all the clothes -- even the sale items -- were perfectly ironed, in perfect order and easy to reach. The clerks greeted me with smiles.

Clerks in Southern California and the South greet you with the same five words, but the cadence is decidedly different:

The South "How may I help you?"
Orange County: "How may I help you?"

I strolled down the Umbria lane of the Irvine Spectrum and decided to have dinner at Maki Maki where I had Makeral Yaki, but my Ecuadorean server had trouble understanding my Japanese. First they offered to seat on the outdoor terrace which sounded great since it was a gorgeous night in the low 60s to high 50s. I stepped on the terrace, and they had outdoor heaters going, and it must have been 98! I quickly objected, since knew my sushi would be broiled the second it arrived. Outdoor heaters are annoying enough in San Francisco but truly ridiculous in Southern California.

I strolled further through the Spectrum, noticing the line outside the Cheesesteak Factory just like in Overland Park or Union Square and all the faux European ferris wheels and merry-go-rounds with a hint of a patina of age, but that patina well scrubbed enough to avoid look actually old.

It was a bit of a shock to notice no stores or restaurants had signs in their windows such as "No Outside Food" or "Restrooms for Customers" only.

Strolling further past the Beauty Planet I noticed Torrid (or was it Torrid!) Plus Size fashions. I'm curious if the torrid refers to the customers or the fashion.

These thoughts filled my head as I drove away, recognizing as I exited the parking lot to get on the 405 that the Irvine Spectrum is at the intersection of Fortune and Enterprise. If time allows tomorrow, I may go to the Alpine Village and know I have really made the most of my free time in between appointments.

What We're Seeing...on Laguna Beach

I'll Wake You Up in Fresno and Buy You a Slurpie

Growing up in the Midwest in a liberal Unitarian family, I always had a warped view of California due to distant relatives who moved there during the Dust Bowl and were scattered about in the trailer parks and subdivisions of Bakersfield and Orange County. This branch of the family was headed by chain smoking, white-panted, Reagan loving matriarchs with stoner sons whom they were often rescuing from peril. "It ain't that he's a bad kid, it's just all those outside influences we got goin' in California these days."

I think this is my all time favorite Tracey Ullman Ruby Romaine sketch, and nothing captures that branch of the family better. A couple of years ago one of my third cousins, who is a prison guard, was proudly showing his e-bride that purchased for $3,500 and was set to come straight from Manila to Bakersfield later that year. I wonder if he ended up at the Army of Armageddon?

I suggest that Ann Coulter watch the clip below since this is what she'll look like in about five years.

IHOP, Please Hold the Kraut Hate!

Why is it that when it comes to ethnic stereotypes, no one every objects when Germans are targets? Whip wielding or goosestepping Nazis or fat beer and streudel consumes, people seem to have no fun making fun of them, even the arbiter of taste Benny Hill with his running gag about "die Schöne Mädchen mit die Grosse Titzen."

Bryce Digdug often makes references to Torrance's Alpine Village which in on one of the flattest spots in southern California. I need to add it to my list of outrageous SOCAL sites the next time I am there. When I visited last month, my heart ached as I whizzed by both the Crystal Cathedral and the TBN fairytale castle TV headquarters and did not have time to stop to take photos and a tour. We'll always have Precious Moments Gardens and Chapel...

The Best Westboro Baptist Confrontation. Ever.

Hey, do you know where I can score some poppers?