Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Behind the Scenes at JunkThief

From time to time the JunkThief team feels the need to explain itself (themselves? myself? himself?) and step out from behind the curtain and reveal some of the secrets of this blog.

Although the regular visitors to JunkThief are highly intelligent (rumored to have at least 18 years of formal education and speak an average of four languages), from time to time we have folks that stumble upon this blog after entering a Google a word chain such as "satan-fag-Weimar-taro-Catalan-Scott Walker" and are completely confused. What is fact? What is fiction? What is fancy? Oh, get a sense of humor!

That's why you'll notice the new little reader's guide at the near upper right corner of the blog and the variety of colored text that appears within several entries this month. We'll try to colorize the archives over the Memorial Day Weekend. But no promises. Alejandro says he's taking me to a glamorous spa near Tuscaloosa, and he won't even let me take my Palm Treo 650 with me.

Occasionally a reader will ask if this is a poetry blog, a vlog blog, a memoir and journal blog, a news blog or just some irrational rambling of a loony. Well, not unlike The New Yorker or Atlantic Monthly it has combinations of all of those. (Okay, those rags don't have YouTube links yet.) But we felt it was a bit crass to have POETRY or FICTION in screaming bold text at the top of entries. So our editorial team concluded that it was important to use the new color coding system from this month forward.

Now, we will strongly emphasize that we do our best to make those factual entries as accurate as possible, but it's not like we have Dewar's and Ralph Lauren ads in our coffers to give us a staff of thousands. We have to rely on our little fact checking fairies, but their wings do get tired when they are sent off on assignment to places like Baku and Fargo.

Also, we often quote from other blogs, and all we can vouch for is whether or not it's a direct quote. In other words, only JudyMeat can confirm if that trip to Prague really happened, and only Aunty Christ can verify if she really is 96 years old. Not that I doubt them for a second, mind you.

However, we thought it might be good to clear up the facts on a few of the "characters" that frequently show up here:

  • JunkThief's cousin Ginger is real and lives in Royal Oak, Michigan. Sometimes the conversations reported are"dramatic re-enactments" or exaggerations of what really went down.
  • JunkThief's boyfriend Alejandro, alas, is a fictional character. However, we are anxious to find the real thing. Any candidates interested in applying are strongly encouraged to do so. He is beginning to serve as a device the way "Fang" did for Phyllis Diller's act. So as Phyllis would do after relating a "Fang" story, JunkThief may end those Alejandro tales with a big ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! and a tip of the martini glass and cigarette holder.
  • JunkThief's housekeeper Lyrrkvyntiaf is also a fictional character. Needless to say, the JunkPlex is dustier than we'd like it to be.
  • JunkThief does have a cousin named Sheldon, however he is not the Jewish anti-Christ. He is a Jewish devil and homesteaded on the Kenai Peninsula of Alaska in the 1970s.
  • JunkThief does have the various exes mentioned. With only one exception, they stay in regular touch and do wonderful things like look after the cat, treat him to nice dinners, send him presents, tell him he looks great -- all the things that never happened when we were together. No, they don't all live in Texas. One is in Dallas, the bulk of the others are in the 94114 , 94110 and 12512 zip codes.
  • Ann Coulter -- Never met that prick and never want to. However, as with the purple cow, I'd rather see than ever be her.
  • JunkThief has been to most of the bizarre and remote places mentioned -- Ha Giang, Vietnam; northern Potosi, Bolivia; Bogande, Burkina Faso; Kavre District, Nepal; Bayonne, Haiti to name just a few. He has also been to Lansing, Spokane and Fayetteville. He has yet to visit Fargo or Baku but longs to visit both.
  • Folks like J and B and A are real, and those are the real first letters of their first names. We doubt that you'd be able to track down B in Manhattan with just his initial. Oops, we just narrowed the field by revealing his gender. Miss B to you!
In the meantime, we appreciate every visitor that drops by, and we get a little thrill each time there's a new comment. Keep those comments and emails coming, and we always welcome suggestions on what you'd like to see in the future issues of JunkThief.

In the meantime, see you down at the swap meet.

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At 8:10 PM, Blogger marxsny said...

Interesting, What is fact and what is fiction? I feel so much closer knowing the truth. Just between you and me, I think Ann Coulter is as fabulous as a freshly filled bottle of Xanax. Besides George W I've yet to find a more consistently offensive source of material.
Perhaps you could start an "anonymous" blog that would engage and appeal to the less intellectually inclined who are among us. Sometimes the less intellectually inclined are worth engaging for a night or two.
Well, I'm off to a matinee of a Pinter play and perhaps a piece of Mahler's. Ta Ta

At 10:21 PM, Blogger Junk Thief said...

Oh, Marxsny, you are probably still out at Pinter and Mahler as I just got in myself. This does sometimes seem like too many streams in one tiny ravine, does it not? Maybe I should start a range of blogs. That might be just too confusing for this muddled little brain.

As for the anonymous one or two night engagements -- I might start doing some posts on those. However, out of respect I will change their names.

At 12:33 AM, Blogger WAT said...

God, this post was kindo funny. I'll have to take your stories with a grain of salt then.


At 7:08 PM, Blogger Salty Miss Jill said...

I say keep 'em guessing. One should never let the truth get in the way of a good story. ;)

At 7:14 PM, Blogger Junk Thief said...

WAT - By "grain of salt" were you referring to Salty Miss Jill?

SALTY - Oh, maybe I'm going too far, but you know Team JunkThief just has such high journalistic integrity. Plus now and again a wee one might step through our portal and be forever damaged by thinking that some of those stories about Alejandro and me were true.

At 4:29 PM, Blogger The Blue Elephant said...

What a good idea -- to invent a lover -- I will be on the onlook for the picture of my fictional lover -- or maybe a composite. I think every Catholic boy's first imaginary lover was the guardian angel they said was assigned to you -- fit right into that impossible dream created by the Gershwins: "Someone to Watch Over me..." As the group, Jim's Big Ego, sings: "You've got to be your own Prince Charming..."

At 5:13 PM, Blogger Junk Thief said...

Well, thanks for the encouragement, but I'm thinking of dropping Alejandro. He was a nice "device" for a couple of weeks, but he's not been a huge hit with our readers and confused a lot of others. I'm not saying I'll dump him yet, but I've had my eye on Lantoon, the stern instructor at a Japanese military academy. He wears shiny black boots and carries a whip. So we'll see...


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